Whiny Assholes Not Content Being Rich, White

Times are tough for Melvin Smythe III. The fourth generation business owner says inflation and labor costs are eating into the 90% of profits he and his family take out of the business annually. 

“We’re having to pay twice the minimum wage now”, said Melvin, “that means I’ll have to keep my 2022 Range Rover for all three years of my lease!”

His wife nodded in agreement…unable to believe the misfortune that had befallen the family soda top business. “The ATM has run dry”, she said.

Such is the plight of multi-generational rich white guys all across the country.

Their once vaunted birthright of absolute wealth and power has given way to larger employers offering living wages and life-saving benefits.

“What am I supposed to do? Not buy a new boat this year?”, said Johnson Dickerson Jr., the owner of a whole county in the Mississippi Delta.

“This aggression will not stand”, said his father, Johnson Sr., wearing the family Confederate Army uniform while gumming a corn dog.

The Sin of Low Wages

Decades of low wages and lower benefits created a flood of new millionaires in the US. These new millionaires, most, the children of millionaires, haven’t seen a labor crunch in their lifetimes. This, and their complete lack of empathy or self-awareness only compound the challenge before them.

“Being white and rich used to mean something”, said Chauncey Beaumont Faulkneroy, “now it just means hard times”. Mr. Faulkneroy is the heir to the estate of Lord Faulkneroy. He runs Crackerville Ranch, an antebellum styled theme park in Modoc, South Carolina.

Such is a theme among affluent, affected white men around the nation. They once wielded a stranglehold over their local economies. Basic capitalistic principles like supply and demand are challenging their might.

“It’s only capitalism when I get the capital”, said Dickerson Jr., as he walked into Federal Court. Dickerson Jr. was convicted of trespassing last month for storming the US Capitol on January 6th, 2020.

From the Bawls of Power

The plight is not confined to business. Across the halls of power, from Congress to the Supreme Court, the divine right of whiny asshole white folks is being challenged.

Earlier this week, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito wiped a tear from his cheek after he stole that tear from the child of a single mother. He says his leak of a draft decision to overturn Roe. vs. Wade put his life in danger.

 “(it was a)…grave betrayal of trust by somebody, and it was a shock,” he said. The threat to the justices, he added, was not theoretical because it “gave people a rational reason to think they could prevent that from happening by killing one of us.”

Washington Post

Fake assassination threats aside, white people feel like they’re losing control. Not having control of their destiny, is something Juanita James of Orange Mound, TN can identify with.

“These motherfuckers been running around like they did something. Like they contributing to the community while they suck this motherfucker dry. Fuck them! They ruined a million lives with their bullshit. Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it…bitch.”

It’s a sentiment Smythe cannot connect with.

“If people would just work hard, pull themselves up by their bootstraps, like I did, and put all their expenses on daddy’s Black AMEX Card, they too can achieve the American Dream,” said Smythe. “Unfortunately,” he continued, “the socialism Brandon is pushing…is killing that dream for me and thousands of white birth lottery winners like me.”

h/t to Evan Hurst at Wonkette for the inspiration

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