Iowa Ca-cusses

Okay, so here’s what’s going to happen tonight, no matter what the blowhards on the Teevee say.

Republicans

In 8 and a half short hours, Mike Huckabee will be caucused as the first Republican winner in Iowa. This will be followed by some serious grave spinning by our founding fathers, and a collective “Oh Crap” from the entire state of Arkansas, and the great orange devil. Janet Huckabee will begin ordering drapes for the Oval Office depicting her gutting a snake (There’s a picture of it out there somewhere, I just can’t find it!).

Mitt Romney, the second place finisher, will “see” his father marching with the Music Man, and his entire staff will break into song, probably “Gary, Indiana”.

John McCain, will take third place and will give a Howard Dean scream that will be played over and over again to lure members of the quiverfull movement to his cause. It will not work, and McCain will be sad.

Rudi 9ui11ani didn’t give a crap about those hicks in Iowa anyway, just like he won’t care about the hicks in the Florida Panhandle, upstate New York, or rural California.

Fred Thompson and his wife will reveal themselves as aliens and go back to planet Quandor in the “Slow as Gravy” galaxy.

No one cares about the rest of them, if they even exist.

That’s the Republicans, not that anyone, even their own, give a crap.


Democrats

Edbaton will win in a mass slaughter of the second tier candidates by some 90%-10%. As for the actual breakdown of the Edbaton votes, well, despite my preferences…

Clinton – yeah she’s been dropping, but Kerry was somewhere between nowhere and nothing coming into Iowa, and he won. I think the “electability” conventional wisdom wins over actual wisdom.

Edwards – takes second again. He has the organization and the fiery rhetoric. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

Obama will take thrid, because EVERYONE KNOWS that college students can’t get ANYWHERE on time. Further, they’re out following his lead takin’ the pots.

The rest of the Democrat’s campaings will die in a hilarious cage match, with Bill Richardson making a return appearance as Veep, or Sec. State.

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